Saturday, February 19, 2011

Don't even ask. Darin hates everyone

We had only reached the second stop light when our conversation officially began.
"Fucking Queers!" Darin says
At the intersection of Main St and 1000 N stood two young men, early twenties, waiting to cross.
"You know them or something?" I say
"Nope. They just look like homo's to me." he says
I glance up from my crossword puzzle and look out the window. While I try and distinguish a difference between gay and straight, I no longer care about a five letter word for sandwich.
As for the two men Darin is talking about:
One is tall
One is short
The both have on hoodies
The hoodies are both different colors.
The tall one is wearing a green zip up hoodie.
The short one is wearing a blue pull over with the word "Billibong" on it.
"How do you know that?" I ask
"That those guys are gay?"
Darin tells me he just has a knack for that sort of thing.
I ask him if he has a thing against Gay People.
"'Course I do." he says "Every damn one of them wants to fuck me." Says "You trying to tell me you don't have a problem with Gay people?"
I tell him no.
"No What? No you don't have a problem with Gay people or no you're not trying to tell me you don't have a problem with Gay people."
I tell him I'm confused with what he just said.
Then I tell him I don't have a problem with Gay people.
The two men pass by the front of the idled truck.
"Your not gonna kick me out 'cause I don't have a problem with Gay people are you?" I ask
"No, I'll just kill you." he says
I look out from his passenger window and say "Huh."
Darin tells me he's just kidding.
"Or am I..." he says. Then he laughs. He rolls down his window and lights a marlboro light cigarette and laughs.
"Just don't try anything on me." he says "Then I'll really have to kill you."
After a minute of silence and two miles down the road I ask him
"So you got a problem with all gay people or just gay men?"
"What do you mean?" he says
I ask him if he has a problem with Lesbians.
"Fuck no! Why would I have a problem with Lesbians. That's fucking hot!" he says
A few more miles down the road I ask Darin if he has a girlfriend.
"Fuck no! Why would I want a girlfriend." He says "Girlfriends are nothing more than bitches who want to take your money."
Again I look out of the passenger window and stare. Again I'll I can say is "huh"
After a minute of silence I Iook back down to my crossword puzzle. It tells me I need to find a six letter word with "CAMEL" as the hint.
A few more miles down the road Darin asks me "Your not a Vegetarian are you?"
I tell him no. I ask him if he's one. He tells me "Fuck no!" Then he tells me "I used to say the only thing worse than a Vegetarian is a queer vegetarian."
I can no longer focus on my six letter word
I ask Darin if he likes meat.
He tells me no. He tells me his Esophagus is full of scar tissue from Gastric Reflux disease. He says he has a hard time digesting meat.
"Did you eat a lot of meat when you were younger?" I ask
He tells me he's never really liked it.
Another mile down the road I ask him if there is anything he does like. He smiles and tells me no.
At the intersection of Highway 36 and Highway 138 I tell him to turn right.
He makes a right and tells me he used to have a friend who lived around here.
"I was beginning to think you didn't have any friends." I tell him.
He tells me to fuck off and if I make another comment like that he's going to smash my face in.
Then he tells me he's kidding.
"Or am I?" He says.
I tell him to make another right and we pull into my neighborhood. We drive to the dead end of my street, make a U-turn and pull up to the side of my house.
I hold out my hand. "Darin, this has been interesting." I tell him. "Thank you for the ride I say."
He doesn't reach for my hand. He just looks at me.
"Anytime" He says
As I open the passenger door and begin to step out he shouts "Wait!"
"Jockey" he says
"What the fuck are you talking about." I say
"Your six letter word. I think it's Jockey."
I look down at the ground and say "huh" Then I tell him thanks.
"You know your all right." He says
He tells me if I need a ride tomorrow he'll give me one.
I tell him thanks.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Want some advice?

Today is February 11th, 2011.
What this means is:
I need a new job
One with benefits
Maybe a 401K
Healthcare, dental and vision

The other day I spoke with my brother. He told me I need to spend less time writing stupid stories and more time looking for a job. Perhaps he's right.
The thing about my brother, he's spent the last four years applying for school loans and grant money and uses that money to live off.
Then he drops out
I guess you can consider this your job if you make a living doing it.
During our conversation I ask him how school is going.
"I'm not going." he tells me.
I ask him if he's still using his grant money to live.
He tells me he was denied.
I ask him what he's doing for work.
"Nothing. Just like you." he says.
Perhaps he needs to spend less time giving people advice and more time looking for work.

A few months ago I applied for an entry level position at Burger King. I didn't get the job because I have no fast food experience. The manager told me I was just "over qualified."
"That should be a good thing. Right?" I said.
He told me they didn't have a lot of time to train someone so they went with someone who already had the experience. Behind the counter I noticed an acne stricken sixteen year old boy whom I'd never seen before. It must have been him they hired.
This it what we've come to.
College education
Corporate Management position
Company Credit with a 10,000 spending limit
All of this means nothing if you have no experience dipping French fries in a deep fryer.
In a few years our generation, the one in which were told that Collage out of high school is the best way, in a few years our advice will be to get hired on someplace where they deep fry everything and put hamburgers together with latex gloves.

From the Bureau of labor statistics, Utah is ranked 16th as having the highest unemployment rate in the county.-7.5%
7 almost 8 percent of people in this state are out of work. If only people would eat out more maybe that number would go down. In my case however, they'd probably just take someone with experience.
Maybe my brother had it wrong. Maybe I need to spend more time writing and less time looking for work. Maybe I'll write the next great American novel.
I'll be on Oprah
Sell thousands of books
Sign thousands of autographs
Have my novel optioned for a movie.
I don't know. Maybe
The thing is, and this may just be me talking, Some 20 year old kid will probably right a novel around the same time I will. It will be about his adventures working in the fast food industry.
That book
The one about the fast food
That book will become optioned.
Oprah will love it

Maybe, just maybe if I'd had the experience....

Friday, February 4, 2011

My Public Service Announcment

Friday night is the only night I see Charles. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't mind Fridays' so much.

If it wasn't for him, sometimes I wouldn't have anything to write about at all.

This first thing he says to me, is if I've written anything about him lately.
I tell him not really. "In Fact," I say "I'm having trouble thinking of anything to write at all."
Some people twitch their nose when they think. Others wrinkle their forehead, pucker their lips, and rub their nose.
Charles, he reaches his hand up in his shirt and scratches his chest.
He does this for half a minute.
"Did you know" he says "People have more unprotected sex on Friday nights than any other night of the week?"
I ask him how the fuck he knows that.
"I don't know, must have read it somewhere."
I tell him the rubber companies must hate Friday nights.
He agrees with me and tells me I should write about it.
"Write about what?" I say
"People having unprotected sex on Friday nights."
"I'm gonna need a source Charles." I say "No ones gonna believe that people have more unprotected sex on Friday than any other night of the week."
"It makes perfect sense to me." He says "People drink more on Friday..."
I interject and ask him about Saturday. "People drink on Saturday too." I say
Charles just nods and continues "People drink more on Friday nights than any other night of the week." Says "They've worked hard all week and finally when the work day is done on Friday, people are gonna want to go get shitfaced."
"I'm with you." I say
"And when people get shit faced, they don't think about wearin' a jimmy." Says "Just ask my brother. He has three kids. I bet all three of them were perceived on Friday nights.
"You mean conceived" I say
He tells me "Whatever"

So, as a public service announcement to everyone
Happy Friday! Charles is afraid you might have unprotected sex so...Wrap it up.

"Oh, and you should sell your article to Trojan or some other Condom Company." he says