Monday, January 31, 2011

The Bumper Sticker

It's like that time someone stuck an "I love Mormon Pussy" bumper sticker to the back of my parent’s car.
My Mom and Step dad were looking for homes in Park City when they noticed it. They'd been driving around for hours before pulling in to Ruby Tuesday's for Lunch. The ironic thing is, my Step Dad, he backs into every parking space.
If he would've followed suit and backed into that spot, they never would've noticed it.

So when my mom called me from work, I could only assume it was an emergency. She never calls me at work.
She left me a voice mail telling me to call her back. There was Panic in her voice.
I was a customer service representative for Direct TV at the time. It was a phone job so I couldn't really stand up and walk out to make my phone call.
I pressed 2468 ## on my phone and logged out.
"Walter!" My boss shouts. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
I tell him it's an emergency. I tell him it's an Emergency and my Mother needs to get a hold of me right away.
He gives me permission to go into the break room and make my phone call.
I dial the number to my Moms Cell and press the phone against my ear.
She picks up
"Hello!" She says
"Hi Mom. What's up?" I brace myself for the worst.
My Step Dad and a Heart Attack.
My Younger brother and a Car Accident.
Cancer
Death
Sickness/Illness/Disease
"Did you stick a bumper sticker to the back of my car?" She asks
"No."
"Honest?
"Yes. Honest. What's wrong Mom?"
"Nothing"
"Really, 'Cause in your message it sounded like something was wrong."
"Nothing...it's just...well...someone stuck a bumper sticker to the back of our car..." She says
"That's it? A bumper Sticker?" I Say
"Yes...well...Are you sure you didn't..."
"I'm sure Mom. What did the bumper sticker say?"
Pause
"It said 'I Love Mormon Pussy'..."
I laugh. I tell her just to take it off.
She tells me it's on there pretty good.
My Boss comes back into the room to Check on me.
"Gotta Go mom." I say, "My Boss is checking up on me."
I tell her good luck on the Sticker.
After I hang up the phone, my Boss, he asks me if everything is okay.
I laugh and tell him everything is fine. He wants to know what the emergency was.
"Someone stuck a bumper that says 'I love Mormon Pussy' on the back of my parents car."

Years later no one ever talks about it. I tried bringing it up during a Thanksgiving dinner a few years back. I had gotten as far as saying "Hey, Remember that Bumper Sticker?" My mom cut me off by asking the table if anyone needs more mashed potatoes.

If you ever happen to ask her, you know like run into her on the street and ask her.
She'll deny it.
She'll say you have her mixed up with someone else.

Legend has it, there's a Red 2001 Ford Focus that can be seen between 2100 S and 100N.
Always on State Street.
Legend has it, if you look close enough, in the bottom right hand corner; there is an outline of what used to be a bumper sticker.
Don't jump to any conclusions
I'm not
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't the same car.
Either way, it' out there somewhere.
The Legend
The Car
The Bumper Sticker

7 comments:

Kage said...

hello lisssty!

i am your new stalker. saw your comment over on rodney's blog (mental poo) and thought it was funny, decided i had better follow you down this dark back alley and make sure you get home okay.

been reading through your old posts, and i have to say, i disagree with your statement "my writing is shit". it's not, it's really fucking good. not that i'm some kind of fucking writing deity, and now with my endorsement your life is complete, but i really do think that your writing is fantastic.

kage

pis.s. it was me. i put the 'i love mormon pussy' sticker on your mum's car. but in my defense, i had ordered way too many of them, and i had to get rid of them somehow.

Raven said...

That is hilarious!! And it had to be Mormon pussy too, not Catholic or Presbyterian. You're mom sounds a lot like my mom. I'll bring up stuff she did or said years ago that is embarrassing or slightly out of character for her and she'll deny it unequivocally each time.

Great blog, I'll be back. Thanks for stopping by my blog!

dbs said...

Hilarious. Why Mormon? Why limit yourself?

Sarah P said...

Yeup. Bring on the Mormon Pussy. Try to keep me from stalking you now.

Stock Investing and Trading said...

Hello~! lol what a sticker...maybe it was a compliment!

I have followed your blog.
Could you follow mine too please at:
SkyBlueTrading Blog

I currently have a competition of stock price guessing where I will give the winners $50.00 for winning the competition. Check it out!

Thanks!

Hawkluke said...

Hey Mikey.. Tell Nancy I want my bumper sticker back.. It is just like that sweet license plate cover we put on Mr. Ayers truck that stated, "Wrangler Butts Squeeze My Nuts".

The Lissst! said...

@Kage and Luke, I don't know who to believe here. Your both taking the blame. Where were you when I accidently set fire to my dads n ew sofa? Huh? Where?!
@DBS it's not about limits. It really was an "I love mormon pussy" bumper sticker.Ask Kage, she made lots of them.
@Raven, thanks for checking out my site. If I meet any vampires I'll send 'em your way
@Sarah P-Absolutely, Bring 'em on!
@Stock Trading and investing- Not sure what to say here. I checked out your site. It's exactly what your name says it is. Give me some money so I can invest it.