Thursday, November 4, 2010

I'll take felonies for $400 Alex...

"...It didn't used to be like this." So the story goes.
"I mean, You guys used to be able to piss in the privacy of your own stall." Jeff says as he hands me the cup to piss into. This has become the highlight of my week. It's sad really. That something like a urine sample would be something to revolve a whole week around. It's not like I'm afraid of failing. I've been clean for weeks. It's a simple case of "Stage Freight" that gets to me. Last week I almost didn't make it. The urnine sample that is. I simply didn't prepare myself. You see, Valley Mental Health's center for recovery requires that you call everyday, Monday-Saturday. Each client is given a passcode. My Passcode is Bigbird.(Some people say it fits me.) So...each morning you're required to call this 800 number. If your passcode is called, you're required to show up between the hours of 5:00 PM and 7:00PM. As the message states, "Doors will be locked at 6:50." Anyway, last week, my code was called. For some reason or another, I downplayed my inability to pee with someone looking over my shoulder. So, at 5:00, I showed up, dropped my pants, did the dance and stood there. Standing in front of the Urnial, I found myself cursing my penis. "Why don't you just go you mother fucker!"
"You know, after three minutes, you've got to go wait in the lobby for another half hour... "Jeff tells me "...and if you still can't go after that, it's marked as a positive sample, and the judge frowns on that you know."
As if I wasn't under enough pressure. "How could you do this to me." I whispered to my non co-operating penis. "After I'll I've done for you." I say
After three minutes of standing, the time was up. In the lobby, I tried to make ammends. "I'm sorry I said those things baby, daddy didn't mean it." I said. During my groveling, the receptionist kept throwing weird looks in my direction. Everyone else just assumed it was normal. After all, I was in the lobby of a nuropsyciatric institue.
"Lets go Walter!" Jeff yells from the hallway. I take a deep breath and follow him into the mens room. "I hear it helps to cough." Some girl yells from the lobby.
The second time around, the mens room looks more like a court room. "Do you swear to take a piss, a true piss, and nothing but a piss." the judge says.
I move into the stall.
"Drop em and turn." he says. I undo my button, pull down my zipper, and drop my pants to the floor. After my 360 degree turn, I grab the cup and head for the urinal.
"Yeah, it didn't used to be like this." Jeff says. "I mean, You guys used to be able to piss in the privacy of your own stall." Listening to him talk makes me nervous. I think about asking him to rub my shoulders.
"You see, there was this one guy, thought he could outsmart the system." Jeff continues " Guy comes out of the stall one day right...hands me his cup of urine...when I go to take the cup from his hands, I notice something out of the corner of my eye. You know what it was?" He asks
Fuck, now I've got to multi-task. "What?"
"The dumb son of a bitch forgot to zip up his zipper." He says " To make things worse, he wasn't wearing any underware." The good news is;I'm focused on his story. The bad news is; I'm focused on his story. Nothings comming out still.
" So hanging out of his zipper was this rubber looking penis. Just flopped out, looking right at me. I'm mean, this is my job. I look at dicks all day. You think I don't know what a real dick looks like. Anyway, I tell him to pull his pants down and lift his shit up. Sure enough, there was this rubber dildo connecting to a wire that ran all the way up to a small bag stuck in his armpit. So this guy starts freaking out, yelling at me ya know. Telling me it was called the whizzinator 1000, and he paid $400.00 bucks for it. So I tell him, 'Well, you just paid $400.00 for a felony, cause that's considered tampering." I laugh. As I laugh I pee. On the bus ride home, I thank the whizzinator 1000. I thank it's magical rubber penis in all it's shinning glory. I thank the pouch of fake urine and the $400.00 bucks this guy paid for it. After all, one mans loss, is another mans gain. So the story goes.

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