Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Hey, I was just being honest

A while ago I thought about joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.-Mormons.
The Bishop, being the salesman that he was, told me that he would pay my power bill and help with food until I got on my feet. All I needed to do in return was "consider and pray." So I did. A great deal in fact. After a long of week of
I came to my conclusion.

"Bishop S., I don't think I want to be part of your church"
"May I ask why?"
"I dunno. It's a lot of stuff I guess. Stuff that's hard to believe."
"Like What?"
"I dunno. Just a bunch of stuff. Well, Okay. The Lamenites. They were descendants of Lamen and Lemuel and cursed with a dark skin for their wickedness and rebelliousness..."
"Well, wouldn't you think if God wanted to fuck them over he would've made their skin Neon Green or something?"
"I'm sure he had his reasons."
"Okay well, what about all these big cities I've read about?"
"What about them?"
"Have you ever been to Zarahemla?"
"Do you know anyone that has been to Zarahemla?"
"That's not a character in the Book of Mormon?"
"What about the city of Nephi?"
"Yes. Yes I've been there."
"Not the town outside of Provo."
"Okay, you caught me."
" there any archeological or anthropological evidence that these cities even exist?"
"Ummm....I'll have to check with my supervisor."
"I didn't think you had supervisors. Who would be your supervisor? You're a Bishop."
"His name is...Brother...Smith...yeah that's it."
"Can you call him for me?"
"Why not?"
"'Cause he's...not here. He's See, I do know someone who's been there."
" I don't believe you."
"Well, that's your problem now isn't it?"
"I still don't want to be a member of your church."
"Why? Haven't I answered all your questions?"
"No, not really."
"Well, it's not that simple. There are certain measures we need to take."
"Like what?"
"I dunno...Measures."
"That's not a good enough reason."
"You have an obligation!"
Phone rings
"Hold on for a minute Mike."
picks up phone
"Hello...Yeah...I'm sitting with him right now." Whispers "I'm trying to close a deal're what? Giving it to Donnie! That's rediculious! I've been number one for over ten weeks now! Okay...yeah...yeah...I know...yeah...Okay...bye.
hangs up phone
"Sorry about that.Where were we?"
"You were telling me how I have an obligation."
"Okay. Right. We've invested a lot of time and Money in you. You have an obligation."
"I do?"
"Yes! We paid for your power bill!"
"I know and I thank you for it. But that doesn't change how I feel about the church."
"You gave me your word."
"I gave you my account number."
"Same diff."
"Look, can't I just be jumped out or something? That's what the crypts and bloods do."
"It's not that simple.
"Okay. Well, I don't think you’d want me anyway."
"I'm a quarter black."
"No your not. We checked your background. Even if you were, we have black members now. Since 1976.
"I smoke."
"I'll help you quit."
"I have a DUI on my record."
"That's okay."
"I'm Gay."
"So am I."
"You’re good."
"Thank You."
"What about tithing?"
"What about it?"
"I have to pay 10% of my monthly income right?"
"Well, I don't have a job...and I'm kind of a dead beat so I don't plan on getting one so...10% of 0 is 0...but...if you’re okay with that?"
Picks up phone

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