Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I take cheese with my whine, how 'bout you?

Pinch your thumb and index finger together. Now rub them against each other. Go ahead. Try it. I’ll wait.
Next, pinch a small amount of your hair between your thumb and index finger. Using the same rubbing motion as before, roll the hair around.
This is my day. Back flat against the couch, head towards the ceiling, and thumb and index finger rolling a piece of hair hour after hour. It’s quite hypnotizing. Go ahead. Try it. I’ll wait.

I open my laptop and attempt to work on my novel. I haven’t eaten in three days. The hunger is starting to get to me. Nothing makes sense. I read a sentence then read it again. Nothing makes sense.
My phone flips open. I scroll through a list of contacts searching for someone who may have the means to help me out.
Brother-Burned that bridge
Mom-Try again
Dad- Stole all my money
Step dad- Funny. Just keep moving
Jefferson-Makes Seven Twenty-five an hour and has child support. Keep going
Anonymous from New York-Already helped me out.
Luke-Going through a divorce. Too many court fees to pay. Should’ve asked two years ago.
Archie- Apparently just won 2300 last week in Wendover.
I press send. It goes straight to voice mail.
“Yo, Yo, this is Archie, leave me a message and maybe I’ll get back to you.”
I doubt he’ll get back to me if I tell him I need him to order me a pizza.
I continue to scroll through the list

…Earlier in the day when I wasn’t so fucking hungry

There’s nothing better than waking up to sunshine. There really isn’t. Eyes open, sunbeams filter through the blinds, beams so big you can trace across the entire living room floor. There’s just something beautiful about it.
Today was nothing like that.
I think I was dreaming about an old girlfriend. I think we were just about to make out or something. Then it sounded like a running faucet.
No, it sounded like a car wash. I’ve never worked at a car wash but that’s what it sounded like. Suddenly I went from a possible blow job to spraying a hose against a 1980 something Buick lasabre…or something.
I open my eyes.
In front of me is Max. He’s standing on three legs. His fourth leg is hanging in the air while a stream of piss shoots all over the wall. After a few seconds he lowers his leg and looks in my direction.
“Fuck max.” I say. “You could’ve just asked me to let you outside.”
Max gives me a look. His look says “fuck you old man. We’ve talked about this. I’ll piss outside when you rub ice cubes over your balls every time you go ‘Cause that’s what it feels like when there’s snow on the ground.”
I’ve got to say, he has a point. I pick myself up off the couch and head into the bathroom. I make a quick glance towards the ice machine but keep moving.
Max looks at me. His look says “Yeah that’s what I though bitch.”

After the bathroom I flip open my phone and check the time.
My phone says its 8:25. It also tells me I have 1 voice message.
I press and hold down one.
The voice message is from my friend in New York who wants to remain anonymous.
It’s a short message. It says,“I'm so fucking wasted!” the message tells me to “Fucking call me back!”
It also calls me a fucking pussy. The message is over.
I call Anonymous. He answers and says hello.
“What’s up dude?” I say
“Dude, I pissed me pants last night.” He says
“That’s not good dude.”
“You’re not gonna tell anyone are you?”
“No.” To write and to tell are two different things. I think they are anyway.
“Good. ‘Cause it happened the night before too.”
I laugh. I tell him speaking of piss I woke up to my dog pissing on my living room wall.
“Did it get all over your pants or anything?” he asks
“No, just the wall and some of my floor.”
“Then that’s not even the same thing.”
I laugh again.
Anonymous tells me he needs to cut back on his drinking. He tells me if he continues to drink like he has he won’t have anymore pants because he threw the ones away that he pissed.
“That might be a good idea.” I say.
My stomach rumbles.
I tell him I have to go look for something to eat.
He says goodbye. I say goodbye. We both hang up.
I open the fridge, there is nothing. I open the cabinet there is nothing. I’ve done this ritual three days in a row. Both days yielding the same results. For over a week now I’ve been eating nothing but cliff bars and a chocolate protein drink. Now I have neither.
Max looks at me. His looks says “Don’t tell me we’re all out of food mother fucker.”

I sit on the couch and watch Big Love Season 2. It appeals to me this big love. Not because of the whole plural marriage thing. Don’t get me wrong, that’s cool and everything. But Big Love takes place in the Salt Lake Valley. They mention local suburbs like Murray, Sandy and Draper. There are constant references regarding the book of Mormon and the LDS prophet Joseph Smith Jr. The episode I watch now talks about Wendover. I love going to Wendover.
There’s just something about this big love show.
After the episode, the disc is through. There are three episodes on each disc. This was the last one on disc number three. I want to get up and change out the discs but I can’t. I’m hypnotized. I’m twirling my hair and I can’t stop. If you don’t believe me, try it.
Pinch your thumb and index finger together. Now rub them against each other. Go ahead. Try it. I’ll wait.
Next, pinch a small amount of your hair between your thumb and index finger.
Now, using the same rubbing motion as before, roll the hair around.
I repeat this process over, and over, and over, and over again. Seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. I have maybe five or six knots now in the back of my head. I try to undue the knots but end up pulling the hair from my scalp instead. Curious about the negative impacts my new habit has caused, I snap a picture of the back of my scalp. I have a big fucking bald spot now. I’ll just blame it on being Thirty.
My stomach rumbles.
I flip open my phone. The time tells me it’s six in the evening. I’ve wasted my day. I’ve wasted my day doing nothing but just sitting here on the couch twirling my hair.
Max is asleep on the couch. He wakes up and gives me a look. His look says “Don’t fucking look at me. I have an excuse to be lazy.”

So now I’ve gone through my list. There’s no one. Even if there was, what could I say? “Hi, this is Mike, sorry we haven’t spoken in a few weeks but do you think you could order me a pizza.” What a fucking looser.
I take one last glance around the room looking for something to eat. There is a piss stain on my wall and the floor beneath it.
I look at Max. My looks says…


I have been saved. Praise be to my friend Luke. Luke has saved me from starvation. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The last thing I wanted to do was call a friend and ask them to order me a pizza. I read that last sentence and shake my head. It even sounds weird. Calling someone for a pizza? I just couldn't take it anymore. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Thank you Luke. I'll pay you back when I get a chance. I'll pay you back when I get a chance but I don't do anal. Unless there's another pizza in it for me...with pineapple.


Hawkluke said...

I would have bought you the pizza no matter what.. Im glad I did.. Fact is you had the balls to call and just outright say it.. How many people would just fuck around the issue until I ask, "Whats wrong man.." Im not your fucking champion cheering for you to beat this.. Im your fuckin bro who goes and gets a bat and beats all this shit with ya.. Thanks for bein real and havin the balls to call for help! Pineapple pizza.. simple as shit.. who woulda thought..

The Lissst! said...

Dear Mr.Hawkluke,

I thank you for not judging me on my Pineapple and only Pineapple and nothing else on my pizza preference.

I also thank you for being my best friend in the world.

Insert "American Foundation for AIDS Research" CD

Skip to track number 3-That's what friends are for by Dione Warwick, Elton John and Stevie Wonder.

Really though, Thanks Man! You truly are a great friend.

Really though, If you have this album, I'll shit!